Sunday, October 30, 2016

I Am Not Lazy.

Rarely am I accused of being lazy, but the few times I had been have really stuck with me, sometimes making me wonder if it's true.

I usually get paranoid about being "lazy" if there's a particular task I am putting off. For instance, today was dedicated solely for reading three journal articles for my homework, and I ended up only spending an hour reading a portion of one. If I look at my whole day through the eyes of my initial expectations, I will say "Yes, I was lazy!" But when I look at everything I did that day, aside from the homework, my answer would be NO.

I fried eggs for breakfast, chopped up a salad for lunch, took my supplements/meds, washed the dishes, showered, groomed myself, and exercised on my bike. Between each of those was a large pocket of time for gently coaxing myself into switching tasks in the least painful way.

While it might look like procrastinating or getting caught up in "everyday tasks," I am actually working towards my assigned tasks by FIRST getting my needs out of the way. My general well-being demands a lot of my time and energy, but I MUST be okay first, because I literally cannot do what is expected of me unless I am balanced. So, homework ain't happening if I'm anxious or hungry or under-exercised.



Uninspiration exists, and inaction exists. But I think it has more to do with frustration, anxiety, or fear of failure. My creative road blocks come from my perfectionism, not laziness. My procrastination might look lazy, but the real problem is me not wanting to fail. I absolutely detest it when someone accuses another person of being lazy--I even consider it verbal abuse in some cases, and I see no purpose in it because it only reinforces the "lazy" behaviors. Calling someone lazy won't make them say, "Hmm, you are right, I will get up and be productive now." And even if they do, the real problem (whatever it is: burnout, anxiety, depression, etc.) likely isn't being addressed.

I try not to think too hard about the possibility of being lazy. Yes, there are times when I really do need to hurry up and get my butt moving, but my productivity gets worse if I beat myself up about it. Now that I am aware of my OCD, I can be more intentional about not letting my brain run away with the seductive lies. They are not real, and they are not me.

I am not lazy.